My Running Shorts

You know it's time to take action when you get the muffin-top effect with a pair of sweatpants. Okay, to give myself a break, they aren't regular sweatpants, they are those wonderful running shorts that are made of spandex and steel, or some such combo. You know, the ones that don't give at all, the ones that are indestructible and impervious to everything but stink. (Thanks New Balance.) Allow me to illustrate:

The part of me that is in the shorts looks great, it's just all the, um, excess above and below the shorts that have become a problem. (That and breathing.) So I'm thinking that what I need is a garment made out of this mystical fabric that comes up higher, higher, pushing the fat up, up, up until my entire body is held perfectly in place, looking fantastic! The problem would be what to do with the tremendous fat blob on the top of my head.